What is happening?

This week that passed was full of anxiety. My joy gone. It is a heartbreaking feeling. My mindfulness slipping through my hands.

I am full of guilt mostly, then shame. Shame for the past, shame for me trying to fix it. Shame for my over sharing, shame for my silence.

Guilt is bubbling through me, pushing my insides to my throat. My airways sufficiently blocked I cannot cry, I cannot scream. It jumps too frequently in me, I want to get help and then I talk myself out of it. I don’t need it, I’ve come this far on my own.

But I don’t want to die, I don’t want this to be the end. I want to, I don’t know. Start over?

What isn’t enough is the confessions, and the paranoia. The constant fear I will be ridiculed, that everything is a conspiracy to condemn me. Each invite a chance to publicly hang me for my sins.

That is my ultimate fear. And how to change it? Easy. Easy to do, leave my family, live somewhere else. Start a fresh, mindful. Fighting the temptations to be me. Find a partner to confide in, that is the real challenge, impossible! How to trust? How to let my guard down? How to be vulnerable? I think I can. Just not quite yet. Not quite.

Back to Broken

Sorry for the inconvenience.

I’m dead certain that there is not a lot right in the world. In all fairness there is not enough good to go around. Can you tell today is a low one?

Can you tell that I am struggling today?

The feeling that is on my chest has been there many times before. The physical nature always catches me by surprise. How can emotions make you feel heavier? I’m clumsy today, spilling my drink and tripping on my trousers.

The why is not important at all. My deep breathing helping lift me only slightly. My focused features unable to smile. Today it feels like it has never been raised at the corners.

Anger has caught me and for the first time in a long time it has beaten me. So distant are the memories of the red mist and huge release. I trained myself out of that default. Now it is a dark volume and thick. It clogs my veins. My teeth are clenched together but they aren’t holding back words.

I did the right thing when stood up for my needs but I broke my own heart in the process. This kind of repair cannot be done with my hands.