My luck

I said goodbye. Well, I waved through tears. Day 3. I’m not comfortable yet, the decision was there but I was fighting it. I wanted to believe in joy, in commitment and in perseverance. My weakness – I am just an emotional human.

I have been hurt, I can’t hide it with support. I want to love, not to fix. I’ve been led on, there has been a karmic effect. I deserve it. I have to learn this lesson.

Years of unavailability has led me to 3 men. One too young, not ready for my weight. One too vulnerable, not willing to take the risk with me. The last one, was the hardest test, I questioned my everything. I explored my sexuality, my insecurities, my confidence. I became aware of my hang ups, past trauma and my behaviours in the moment.

This is like no breakup as it was no relationship. A series of flirtatious moments, strong sexual desire, words of encouragement and a misinterpreted belief in him.

To realise it was all a fantasy broke me. When I longed to make it perfect, he found comfort in pointing out my imperfections. How can someone keep up an act for so long? When I was not near I was everything, when lying next to him I was nothing. He couldn’t trust me with the why.